Yes, I know that feeling. The feeling you get when precious water keeps seeping away through the cracks. The feeling of ascending a dune, loose sand making you slip down the slope, over and over again. I hear you, when you say that all your efforts and strategies seem to take you right back to where you’ve started. You feel like you are back to that place you desperately wanted to get away from because it felt like you couldn't breathe there and a glorious desire propelled you elsewhere.
What should you do? I hear you, my friend. Let’s have some tea with delights and sit together near the roses and rest. I believe that when you are deeply confused, lost, and unable to find any excited drop of water left in your body, you are actually very close to finding your way.
Never, ever despair when all seems lost. You are actually very close to finding your way.
You are very close my friend. Have a sip of this golden infusion and breathe. Let’s fill this moment up with you. With where you are and what you feel.
I have had moments in my life when all seemed lost. When I felt drained, confused, enraged, and ready to give up and die. You know, my brain finds seemingly infinite possibilities to ensure I do experience myself the way I want, so it takes quite some time for me to give up. For example, I kept trying to be less emotional, but after years of trying I found myself crying at the bottom of an emotional void, feeling like grace and confidence had left me. I unsuccessfully tried to get better from a mysterious illness for years, find my happy and calm self for decades, and basically constantly worked hard at being an all-around good human being. When I now look back at those abysmal moments, I can see that they were the exact moments that I would let go of trying to mold myself into something else and find more ease with where and who I was. You’d think I would be real good at letting go by now, but truthfully, I still only let go after kicking and screaming for a good while.
Why did you want to be something else, my friend? If you review the why, you will notice that at one point you had a belief that the newer version of you would erase painful feelings or validate your worthiness. You believe you are not ok, so you set out to make yourself more ok. Since you are already fully a hundred percent ok, it’s kinda hard to make yourself more ok (trust me on this; it is not possible to not be ok). Or you think the thing will make your life more blissful, but somewhere in the unconscious, you (or your ancestors) have shoved a part that believes it isn’t worthy of the bliss because it’s clearly not a hundred percent ok (maybe it even thinks it’s evil, if you have played long and hard on this earth). That part will whisper to you: “You must be way more ok, so I can feel worthy of the bliss”.
Your quest for more ok-ness is based on a misconception. You, my darling, are never not a hundred percent ok. After trying and trying to get to a higher level of ok-ness, you will end up precisely where you’ve started: a hundred percent ok, but thinking and feeling you are not. Now, if you make up another strategy to become more blissful and undertake a new journey to get there, you will spin another round back to where you’ve started. But if you give up and let go ~ ~ ~ breathe ~ ~ ~ you will feel the painful feelings of the illusion of you not being ok enough. And here is where you disconnect from the loop. Here arrives the moment you come more fully into life.
When you think all is lost, that is the moment the part of you that keeps trying dies, and you are reborn into a version of you that finally believes it is more ok.
No-thing or part will be left behind thinking it is not ok. Life will keep trying to help you arrive at feeling a hundred percent ok
So, my dear friend, I see you, here, now, where you think all is lost. I tenderly kiss your forehead, my hands are on your cheeks, and I gaze in your eyes. Can you recognize the infinite silence that dances through all? It has been a lonely and hard journey thinking you are not ok. I know. But I rejoice this moment, because this is where and when you realize you are ok. Now you can recognize that never in your life have you not been ok. Let life fill you up. Smell the roses. Let go and let God.